Category: Dating and Relationships
By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM
(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”. The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:
Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:
- Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
- As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
- Pick Me I’m Jewish!
- Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
- Keep Kosher?
Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.
As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”
We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”
Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”
We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 7/13/2016 at 7:30 AM
Tel Aviv: In a city where 99.9% of the single population are on 4-5 dating apps simultaneously (0.1% just got their phone stolen at Radio), planning and organizing your personal life becomes quite challenging. Swiping 500 pictures while writing היי) היי + emoji if you really liked someone) 100 times a day is so exhausting. Then you have to remember if that was “Vegan Noa that has two dogs and lives in Florentin” or “Sexy Noa that lives on Gordon and does Standup Paddle Board” (completely different mindset and dating approach). What was the name of the guy you just spoke on the phone with? Yoni? Roni? Or maybe Yaniv? No, Yuval! How can I save so many Yuvals, so I won’t get confused?
Have no fear! Yet another ingenious Israeli Start-Up idea will soon change your life. Rivka the Dating Robot will take care of your dating profiles, and it’s much better than just catfishing. Select your preferences: he/she is wearing sunglasses in every picture (= “I’m so cheesy“) : swipe left; pictures with ex (“let me teach you how to crop“) – left; elevator/bathrooms selfies (“what were you thinking?“) – to the left, to the left (Everything you own is in the box to the left). Vegan – yay or nay? Blond, beard, Sabra, Foreign, boobs – it has more options than any Adult site you (might) use.
Let’s say you’ve got sufficient matches and you’re ready for a waste of time (AKA “chatting“). Believe us, Rivka the Dating Robot knows how to do it better. She peeps into previous conversations of your potential date and knows exactly what, how and when to ask (and obviously much more pushy than polite American Siri). Next step – Rivka saves a phone number with a short description, useful advice and the time of your first date. Just put on your flip-flops and you are ready to meet your destiny!
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 7/10/2016 at 2:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: A potentially positive encounter ended badly last evening due to some unfortunately timed opinions about music. Local favorites A-WA blend traditional Yemeni tunes with Hip Hop. And like Everyone around here loves them. Well, everyone who wishes to not suffer the fate of one ill informed gentleman. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. went on “the date from Hell” earlier this evening with “some idiot” who it turns out “didn’t even like A-WA“. The Daily Freier got on the Number 4, 104, or 204 Bus and rode south toward the scene of this ongoing crisis.
Tamar described how the events transpired. “So his name is Elan. We’re getting cocktails in this basement bar off of Rothschild and everything is fine. He has a job….well he shows up at a start-up most days. He seems straight…. well straight-ish. But whatever. And then I told him that I was like really really into A-WA these days. And he just kinda looked at me and said that they ‘didn’t do much for him‘…….Didn’t do much for him……What the hell? Well guess what? I decided that tonight I wasn’t going to ‘do much’ for him either.”
Tamar continued to describe this evening’s traumatic events. “I don’t know about seeing into the future or anything, but the moment he said he didn’t like A-WA, I had this premonition of sitting with him in a living room in Ra’anana 20 years in the future on an IKEA Couch while he drones on and on about “the Montreal Scene” or some other pretentious bullshit….. I really feel like I dodged a bullet tonight.”
Determined not to make the same mistake twice, Elan was last seen on the #5 Sherut listening to Habib Galbi on his Ipod and trying to sing along to the high notes.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 6/4/2016 at 3:20 PM
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“. Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.
“We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.” Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other. “Do you see those men? Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.”
Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe? One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.“
Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city. When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.
(Based on a True Story! Almost!)
By Mia Deych
Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM
Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!”
“We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.
To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months. You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar. And who is this who just sat down next to you? Is he new here? He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.
So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service. And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley! So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license. And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35. But whatever.
So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli. And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch“. That’s like really sexist.
Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser! Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something. “This guy’s a dog.”
“But he seems nice!”
“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention. Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night. But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.
Welcome to Israel.
UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!
But FOREX still sucks.
Hugs,
The Daily Freier
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By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.
“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex. You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”
“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”
The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”
Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
(Photo Credit: Youtube)
By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/24/2016 at 9:50 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: WOW! That was some Purim party! The Yemenite Quarter was packed. And it was Off. The. Hook. And the trance music outside of Norman’s Bar was A-MA-ZING. And that girl you were talking to the whole night seemed really chill and down to earth. And her costume was SO AUTHENTIC! Get this…. she dressed as a Hare Krishna! And you know how some people do a half-assed job for Purim? Like wearing just a mask? Or a rainbow wig? Or wearing cat’s ears with a leotard and using a pen to add whiskers (OK, that’s actually kinda cool!) Well not her. She had it all! The flowing patchwork skirt. The peasant blouse. The sandals. Jangly bracelets. And a tambourine! She had a tambourine! How awesome was that??? And the conversation you had with her. It just flowed. Just talking about how the street music was merging with the Universe at the same time that it was emanating from the Universe! And you both like sitar music!
And she stayed in character the WHOLE. TIME! When you told her how cool her costume was, she kinda just stared at you for a second and then continued with the conversation. She kept asking if you were truly conscious. That’s so crazy man!
Wait…. you got her number? Dude! And you’re going out again today? Winning! Oh wait, you’re hanging out with her friends too? OK that’s cool. They want to see what you’re all about? Probably just looking out for her. Wait, you’re packing an overnight bag? You’re spending the weekend with her in the Galil? Well yeah…. her and her friends. Wait….. what’s a “retreat”?
Hey! A van is parked outside and it’s honking its horn. Wait! Where are you going?
(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Based on a True Story!)
(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)
By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.
“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”
Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”
Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”
Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”
In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”
Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.
According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.