Tag: Mark Levy

Start Up Nation, The Middle East (but not us)

“Better than a Saudi Consulate!” Misrad HaPnim unveils new slogan

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.

“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”

The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have  gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”

As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.

 

 

Start Up Nation, Transportation

High-Speed Train reaches Jerusalem just minutes after High-Speed Sherut

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.

“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“

The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”

UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.

Start Up Nation

Experts alarmed after Israeli builds gun using 3-D Faxing Technology

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/9/2018 at 6:15 PM

Tel Aviv: Security experts are in a state of alarm today after an Israeli man successfully built a gun using a 3-D Fax Machine. Tel Aviv inventor Udi R. posted a YouTube video last night demonstrating how he built a 9MM pistol using the controversial “3-D Fax Technology“. While the rest of the world sort of “moved on” from Fax machines some time around the final season of “Sex and the City“, here in Start-Up Nation the fax machine is still humming along and is often the only way a government office will accept documents!  In fact, Israelis have found many versatile uses for the fax machine, so it only makes sense that someone would use it to build a 3-D gun. The Daily Freier spoke with Udi about his newfound notoriety.

“The Fax machine has fascinated me, ever since the city building inspector accused me of not living in my apartment as we spoke…in my apartment.” explained Udi as we sipped Kafe Kar in a North Tel Aviv cafe. “Then I faxed my lease to his office and he was happy and left me alone after that. So I thought to myself… This device? It’s magical! It can do anything! And then I started working on building a 3-D Fax.”

Experts voiced their concerns about Udi’s invention, with American gun control groups calling for a ban on 3-D faxes, once they are able to find a working fax machine.

Udi says his next project is to fax himself a 200 gram block of decent cheese from Europe that doesn’t cost 80 Shekels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

Frustrated Oleh’s decision to stay here now based 100% on Israel getting a KFC

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2018 at 2:50 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A disillusioned recent immigrant to Israel is now attributing his entire decision-matrix to stay here on the return of KFC to Israel next March. American Oleh Hadash Zachary F. has not had an easy time in Israel so far. Apart from getting paid $10 an hour for a job that required a college degree, Zachary has also gotten screwed by various cab drivers, gotten lost in the cavernous Dizengoff Center Mall, endured a tragic breakup with a French Olah, gotten trapped in an elevator, and endured the ridicule of his building superintendent for having crappy Hebrew skills. But Zachary still holds out hope, and is currently clinging to KFC’s planned March 2019 opening in Be’er Sheva as the moment his luck will turn around. “If I can just hold out until March, everything will be better. Regular, Extra Crispy, a giant bucket of tenders. Life will just be…better.“

Reactions in the Olim community were mixed, with many mocking Zachary’s optimism. “Really?” mused an Ulpan classmate of Zachary’s named Rachel or Sarah. “He’s staying here for a KFC. What a Loser……OMG OMG I need to go, the new Burger King on Ibn Gavriol closes in 10 minutes and I haven’t been there in 3 days!”

But Zachary remains undeterred. “This could really make my Aliyah experience work out. I mean, I may even move to Be’er Sheva just to be closer to KFC! I could even do the Nefesh B’ Nefesh ‘Go South’ program! Or get a job in Tech!”

 

 

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

They’re renovating our Tel Aviv building just as soon as we get the 10 Jews who live here to agree on everything!

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 1:50 PM

Tel Aviv: OMG this Tama-38 thing is incredible! So this is how it works: A contractor moves all the people in your building into a different apartment for a year or two, knocks down the building, and rebuilds it! You come home to a modern apartment! The contractor builds two additional floors and gets to sell 4 flats. You get an apartment with parking, less mold, and a real kitchen! The city increases the supply of available housing. Everyone’s a winner! Only in Israel!

I mean, it’s really Too easy! We just have to get the 12 Jews who own the apartments here to agree on a multi-year complex financial agreement! What could go wrong? I mean we just have to get together the guy on the first floor who feeds the cats along with the family on the third floor who hates that he feeds cats. And the guy who does his daily motorcycle maintenance in front of your building. Also the family with the mysterious Sephardic cooking smells. And the crazy lady from the ground floor who left her gas on all weekend once.

Let’s not be pessimistic. We’re Jewish, we can do this! It’s just like in synagogue when we agreed to change the time of morning Minyan to…. wait a second, actually we got in a huge fight and half the guys aren’t speaking to the other half anymore…. OK OK…. we’re a miracle in the Desert! We can make this work just like they do in the Knesset! But we are definitely going to get this done. Maybe just to speed things up we could bring in Efficiency Experts from the Misrad HaPnim!

So when is it going to happen? Oh I don’t know, what’s the weather like in Gehinnom this week? Cold? Ha Ha! Just a joke! Actually, you can expect an invite to our renovated flat’s housewarming just in time for the Hanin Zoabi/Matisyahu reggae duet!

But definitely before Moschiach!

Start Up Nation

Top 10 Least Successful Tel Aviv Apps

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/20/2018 at 5:10 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!

 

  1. Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
  2. E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
  3. Gaydar Tel Aviv
  4. Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
  5. John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
  6. AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
  7. Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
  8. Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
  9. Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
  10. The Dizengoff Center Navigation App (Oops! This really exists!)
Start Up Nation

Technion rushes to shut down infected chatbot before it turns even more Israeli

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/13/2018 at 5:10 PM

Haifa: The Computer Science Department at Israel’s premier Technion Institute of Technology is in chaos today as they try desperately to shut down their experimental chatbot that is quickly becoming more and more….. Israeli. The chatbot, named Dudi, has begun picking up the mannerisms and traits of all of the people it encounters at the University, along with those with whom it interacts online. Last week it began listening to Radio Galgalotz. Finally, a custodian accidentally left the television on over the weekend, leaving Dudi to watch the comedy show Eretz Nehderet and a political talk show that seemingly consists of 8 men and women yelling at each other for 24 minutes, only with commercial breaks. All of these input sources have merged into Dudi’s consciousness, causing him to quickly morph into an out of control vortex of Chutzpadik. The Daily Freier sat in on a hastily put-together press conference at the Haifa campus with our favorite Tech experts, Gideon B. and Alex G.

“Dudi is way past the danger point.” explained Gideon B. “Asking strangers what their salary is? That was last week. Yesterday he had a loud animated conversation with a complete stranger about his toilet habits…..This morning he asked a visiting Chinese Professor about her sex life.”

“Dudi has begun to take on the personality of an Israeli man in his late 20’s.” explained Alex. “Last night we caught him bragging about all the hash he smoked in Thailand two years ago. At this very moment Dudi and the guys who work in the campus gym are planning a trip to Bulgaria with a daily budget of 12 Euros per person to include hotel and airfare.”

The Daily Freier wanted to find out just how the rest of the University Community feels about this crisis. One passerby explained his encounter with Dudi. “I know that it’s not a physical object, but somehow Dudi cut me in line this morning at the third floor snack bar. Also, he kept telling the girl behind the counter that he had his scuba license and that they should go down to Eilat next week together.”

As the Daily Freier left the campus, word broke that Dudi wants to open a bar in Tel Aviv with 12 of his friends as co-owners.

 

 

 

Start Up Nation

Israel faxes angry rebuttal to Bloomberg story about its “Low-Tech Economy”

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/13/2018 at 8:30 AM

Jerusalem: The #StartupNation just got wind of a story making some Not-So-Nice assertions about its economy, and they are NOT happy. In February, Bloomberg Online published an article describing Israel’s economy as “Low-Tech”. And if you think Israel is going to just take this sort of disrespect, well, you’re wrong. This afternoon, the Israeli Ministry of Finance sent a very irate Fax to Bloomberg citing all of the inaccuracies and false assertions in the story. The Daily Freier stopped by the Ministry to get all the facts.

“This article is just full of falsehoods and exaggerations.” explained Ministry spokesperson, Guy H., as a Dot-Matrix Printer worked noisily in the background. “Israel’s economy is a Hub of growth and innovation. We have the Technion! And look at Wix! Don’t forget about Waze!” Guy fiddled distractedly with his desktop computer for a moment and continued. “Please excuse me, my Windows 95 is telling me I need to re-start in order to install the latest patches.”

The Daily Freier then asked Guy if there was a reason why it took his office two whole months to respond to Bloomberg’s slanderous hit-piece. “We’ve been having a lot of problems with our dial-up, and the woman who has the password for the office computer with Internet access is on maternity leave and the guy with the key to the computer room has been on a smoke break for 7 weeks and we can’t fire him because his Uncle is a Big Deal over at Histadrut.” At this moment, Guy’s phone began to ring. “Sorry, but I need to take this call. Nobody has gotten new ID cards since December and I’m hoping that’s the Reprographics Shop saying they’ve fixed the Printer.” (Editor’s Note: Based on a True Story! In real life, a certain writer finally received his or her ID Card for the University of Haifa after submitting the request in December. And they misspelled our name on the card. Not that we’re bitter.)

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Guy asked us if we wanted to connect on MySpace.

UPDATE: In a late breaking development, the Daily Freier learned that Bloomberg disconnected its Fax Line at some point in late 2007, and thus never received the Economy Minister’s angry screed.

Aliyah, Judaism, Start Up Nation

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

“We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!”

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

Jerusalem, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living, Transportation

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30 minutes

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Bullet Trainc with the Daily FreierBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/11/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.

“I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.”

“Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?”

“The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]

Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.

“Oh great, now it will only take 30 minutes to be able to walk around an expensive humid slum that smells like dried pee.” explained a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva or Elisheva or Justsheva. “Also, please tell me about your Start-Up. ”

“Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.”

When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?”

According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.