Tag: Secret Tel Aviv

Dating and Relationships, Dogs, Secret Tel Aviv, Where are they now? December 31, 2019December 31, 2019

The Daily Freier presents: Where are they now? Canine Edition.

Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.

Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.

Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story. On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.

So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.

Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.

Aliyah, Start Up Nation November 8, 2019November 8, 2019

“He was never even banned from Keep Olim!” Israel’s fake Aliyah stories debunked

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/8//2019 at 2:00 PM

Jerusalem: This week The Times of Israel reported a mini-scandal rocking the nation: the Ministry of Absorption created make-believe Olim for their Social Media Campaigns. That’s right, the Ministry in charge of immigration had a hard time finding actual….. immigrants. Which is weird, because we’re not shy about sharing things. Such as how much better the Banking was in our country, how the country isn’t doing enough for us, and how we’d already be multi-trillionaires if we hadn’t made Aliyah. So it’s not like it would be hard to find us, seeing how Extra we can be when it comes to complaining. But apparently the Absorption Ministry wanted Olim who wouldn’t spend the whole article whining about the lack of Ziploc bags and a real Apple Store, and instead wanted something more positive. C’mon that’s nuts, right? Yet it was just these incredibly suspicious positive attitudes that first alerted the Olim Community to this shady enterprise. The Daily Freier set out to ask our fellow immigrants of the exact moment that they detected the Government’s Fake Online Olim.

“So I was reading this one profile about a guy, and it said he had a real job.” explained an Olah Hadasha named Jess. “Major Red Flag, right? So I tried to CyberStalk him and I couldn’t find any history of him getting banned from Keep Olim. That’s when I called BS. Also, none of them had ever begged me to bring a bag of their winter clothes back on my next flight from New York.”

“When the Olah from Britain said she had more than two Israeli friends? Oh Please.” scoffed a recent immigrant named Tali. “It’s just so obvious. I mean, she never even mentioned the time she tried to sell a futon on Secret Tel Aviv and got a bunch of really sketchy DM’s from Israeli guys. Plus, her name wasn’t Rachel or Sarah.”

“There was just so much lying.” complained David from Boston. “The Lone Soldier who talked about buying furniture at IKEA? They should have started small, maybe with a Lone Soldier who doesn’t mooch your groceries.”

UPDATE: The Daily Freier wants the Big Money Machers at Misrad HaKlita to know that for the right price, we will create convincingly fake Aliyah Blogs that will fool the most cynical Olim. We know how to do this. Trust us.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 13, 2019October 13, 2019

Top Ten Worst Kerem House Events

So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance ~~and also some events for men!~~ They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!

1. Fyre Festival Tel Aviv

2. “Come wash our dishes!”

3. “Is it still good?” A tasting buffet of stuff that’s been in our freezer since Shavuot

4. Win a chance to talk to the cops at our next noise complaint!

5. Come dressed as your favorite angry rant from Secret Tel Aviv

6. “50 randoms we found on Allenby” speed-dating night

7. After everyone gets drunk, we’re Skyping your parents

8. Come trade your cash for our new Crypto Currency!

9. “Misrad HaPnim” theme party

10. “Return our Deposit Bottles” Field Trip

Shameless Self Promotion July 10, 2019July 10, 2019

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!” No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

“We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.”

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!”

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.

Only in Israel November 17, 2018November 1, 2023

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Shufersal. Also, I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.”

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?”

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 1, 2018

World Ends after Tel Aviv bar asks Native English Speaker to proofread their menu

(Photo Credit: We forgot, but her dog has his own Insta account)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/1/2018 at 10:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Street: Some say the world would end in fire, some say in ice, but when it finally happened, the world ended because a Tel Aviv bar owner asked a Native English Speaker to proofread a menu from his establishment. Pub owner Motti S. (well, he’s one of the 12 co-owners actually) asked his friend Jeff, a not-so-recent immigrant from the United States, to help perfect the English on his bar’s menu. The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Motti as we hurdled through time and space. (this happens to us more than you would think, so we were pretty relaxed about the whole thing.)

“I guess I just wanted a professional looking product.” explained Motti. “And as I asked him to review the menu, the earth began to crack open and swallow up cars and benches and things. Then it started to rain a lot. And thunder and lightning. Then I think I heard the voice of HaShem saying that it’s all over. And then we had chasers.”

Needless to say, the reaction to Motti’s stunt from the Tel Aviv pub community was less than positive. “I don’t understand why he did this.” wondered Danny, a bartender at that place on Dizengoff with the long tables, tall stools, and disinterested waitstaff (No not THAT one. The other one.) “Tourists come here all the day long to sit on beer and I never need a translator…..Hey, would you like a plate of laziness?” The Daily Freier didn’t know what a plate of laziness is, but looked at the menu and we think he meant to write lasagna.

As the Universe continued to implode on itself, somebody went on Secret Tel Aviv to ask if this would affect the bus schedules, “I mean, is this going to be like a Chag, or what?”

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF June 9, 2018June 10, 2018

IDF paralyzed after Iran floods Secret Tel Aviv with fake “Free to a Lone Soldier” posts

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/9/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.

“The current condition is critical. This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons. This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”

To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.

Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.”

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF April 25, 2018April 25, 2018

IDF Bomb Squad Robot just asked for free stuff on Secret Tel Aviv as a “Lone Soldier”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/25/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: A robot from the Israel Defense Force’s Explosive Ordnance Demolition (EOD) unit has just posted on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” asking for a lot of free stuff ”because he’s a Lone Soldier“. Lone Soldiers, or those who come to Israel to serve in the IDF without their family, tend to get a bit of help from the Community. But some guys take the whole thing a bit far. The Daily Freier spoke with the robot, known to his friends as “Udi”, in a cafe on Dizengoff Street as he enjoyed a well-deserved 48 Hour Pass with friends.

“Look, I don’t want to be pushy.” explained Udi. “So I just asked for some pots & pans, a bed-frame, a bicycle, a washing machine, some furniture, a Playstation, and an espresso maker. Oh yeah, and a hat. I definitely need a hat.”

While the idea of a robot posting online might strike some as being bizarre, Secret Tel Aviv appears to have accepted Udi as one of their own. “Udi has adjusted well to our community.” explained Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark. “In fact, last week some of his female robot friends submitted his photo to our site in an attempt to do a bit of amateur matchmaking ‘because he’s a really nice guy‘. Also just this morning, he joined a post concerning a used futon for sale and within 5 minutes someone had already accused him of hating Israel. Finally, he submitted a question about how to get medical marijuana without a doctor’s prescription, but added ‘asking for a friend‘ to the end of the post. You know, normal Secret Tel Aviv stuff.”

If all goes well, Udi plans to use the donated items to decorate the apartment that he shares with some of his friends from the Army to include Boaz the Giant Cloud, the soldier from your Taglit trip who actually didn’t try to sleep with you, a talking dog from the K-9 Unit, and a member of the Olah Hadashah Code-Talker Unit.

Update: In late breaking news, Udi the robot has just sent a sleazy Direct Message to the apartment-hunting Norwegian woman on Secret Tel Aviv who somehow thought it would be a good idea to add a selfie to her post.

Dating and Relationships, Dogs, Secret Tel Aviv November 29, 2017December 2, 2017

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor: I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.

The Daily Freier