Tag: Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer June 24, 2024June 24, 2024

Sneak Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Movie!

Stop the Presses! The Daily Freier has a sneak preview of Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new movie about her adventures in Jerusalem! That’s right, Sarah is shooting a movie in Jerusalem this week, and we have an exclusive look at some of the scenes! How did we do it, you ask? We waited nonchalantly at the bottom of Machane Yehuda while she exited a cab with 3 cats and accidentally dropped a page of the screenplay. This sort of thing happens to us more than you think. But don’t take our word for it, see for yourselves! Just remember you saw it here first!

Scene: Security Checkpoint at entrance to City Hall Plaza. Sarah is arguing with a police officer.

Sarah: Smadar, why are you going through my purse?

Smadar: I’m looking for something.

Sarah: Smadar, you’ve known me for years. I once got you into the good lounge at Ben Gurion. What are you talking about?

Smadar (grabs a small packet): Found it.

Sarah: But Smadar, that’s bird seed!!!

Smadar: Yes and yesterday when you were here, the pigeons in the plaza somehow arranged themselves to read “Bibi Sucks“.

Sarah (looks into the distance): Wow…ummm… that’s… that’s just crazy. It doesn’t even make any sense…

Smadar (throws packet in the trash): Yom Tov, Sarah.

Scene: Jaffa Gate. Two young women dressed in the style of religious modesty are sitting on a bench quietly chatting in North American accented English. Sarah approaches from the Citadel of David.

Sarah: Ladies, can I just tell you that I love your dresses? It’s so cool that you can be Tznius and look Amazing at the same time, right?

(The women stare blankly in confusion)

Sarah: I’m so glad you came to Jerusalem for a year of Sem. But I mean, it’s Thursday evening! Shouldn’t you be down at Crack Square looking for your future husbands???

(Sarah grabs the women by the hand and pulls them up.)

Sarah: Come on, let’s walk down there together. I was going to Mike’s Place anyway! But hold my flask for a minute while I put away this jar of labneh that I got from my friend Rania!

Young Woman (slightly frightened): Umm, we’re like Latter Day Saints from Idaho, and we’re at BYU Jerusalem serving our mission?

Sarah: OMG

Scene: Church of the Holy Sepulchre Rooftop, mid-morning. Sarah is sitting next to an Ethiopian Orthodox Priest. Two German tourists are taking photos of a crow as it persistently pecks at a discarded plastic tub of hummus.

Sarah: Which brings us back to the question of the historical Jesus, and how we can center him in a 1st Century fight for social justice against a corrupted priesthood in collusion with a despotic Roman Empire. I mean, you could only pay your tithe at the Temple with their coin, so it’s basically a Monopoly preying on the poor. But at the same time, we can’t forget John the Baptist. I mean you guys call him the precursor, right? But does he have a role independent of…

Priest: Sarah my friend, your knowledge of our shared history is vast. But is it impolite in your culture if I ask you to pass the joint now?

(Fade to Black)

Only in Israel April 4, 2022March 29, 2023

Top Ten Worst Israel Tourism Ideas

With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!

1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!

2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!

3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure

4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”

5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!

6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.

7) Afula, Afula, Afula!

8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station

9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.

10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.

Jerusalem June 10, 2021June 10, 2021

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole

(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.

1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis”

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel

Corona Virus March 31, 2020August 22, 2022

Daily Freier’s Top Ten Corona Fears

1. What if we run out of Biltong?

2. Are they going to close Trump Yeshiva?

3. Do you think someone is Quarantined with Ariel Gold?

4. If everyone’s in Lockdown, who gets to pee in Kikar Atarim?

5. Will this delay next months Elections?

6. What if Kerem House turns all of this into some kind of weird-ass online event?

7. The people still lost in Dizengoff Center: are they maintaining 2 meters distance from one another?

8. Will the Corona Crisis distract Health Minister Litzman from the important work of blocking the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia?

9. What if Sarah Tuttle-Singer is using this time to write another book?

10. Has anyone told the American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years?

Sarah Tuttle-Singer September 27, 2019September 27, 2019

Jerusalem cab driver writes book about Sarah Tuttle-Singer

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Literary Community is abuzz with news of the nation’s Latest Besteller. Titled “OMG, Can You Just Tell Me?“, the book is written by Gruff but Lovable Israeli cab driver Shlomo D. The story tells of his free-form discussions with journalist/author Ms. Tuttle-Singer and includes tales of war, love, loss, family, reconciliation, and who sells the best pomegranates.

Written over the course of 3 years, the book is entirely derived from conversations Shlomo had with Sarah as they drove around Jerusalem, and it covers the course of a friendship that started with Shlomo innocently trying to charge Sarah double the normal rate and graduated to Shlomo inviting Sarah to his niece’s wedding 40 minutes later. The Daily Freier bought a copy of the book, and it was almost as good as the advance copy of Sarah’s book that we stole from Crave Gourmet Street Food last year. So without further ado, here is our synopsis:

Chapter 1: It’s December. Where the Hell is her coat?

Chapter 2: We’re in a traffic jam & Sarah is writing her Fauda fan-fiction again.

Chapter 3: That’s a police checkpoint. Please put away your flask.

Chapter 4: I never actually said “Nu, Saralah?”

Chapter 5: Those cats are NOT getting in my cab.

Chapter 6: I don’t think she likes Bibi.

Chapter 7: The time she had me read her kid’s 6th Grade Essay about Tu B’Shvat and Feminism.

Chapter 8: What’s are edibles?

Chapter 9: No, I never asked myself whether Queen Esther was secretly bi-sexual.

Chapter 10: By all means, please tell me who makes the best hummus in Lod.

When asked about his next steps in the literary world, Shlomo told the Daily Freier that the book’s royalties mean he never has to work again. Also, last year in a fit of entrepreneurial genius, Shlomo introduced Sarah to his wife Sarit, who sells scarves.

UPDATE: Israeli literati woke up in shock this morning to allegations that Shlomo had plagiarized several chapters using a controversial algorithm to build counterfeit Sarah Tuttle-Singer stories that are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. An angry Shlomo addressed these accusations at a hastily held Press Conference, blaming them on “jealous” neighbors and his idiot cousin Dovi who moved to Miami in the 1990’s.

Shameless Self Promotion July 10, 2019July 10, 2019

HaShem: I created IfNotNow to show the World that Jews can also be Idiots

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/16/2019 at 11:45 AM

Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.

“The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]

The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?”

The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”

As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.

#IsraelToTheMoon, Start Up Nation February 22, 2019

Top Ten Surprises from Israel’s Moon Base

Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.

Petitions, Sarah Tuttle-Singer August 28, 2018August 30, 2018

Tell Sarah Tuttle-Singer to share more of her thoughts/ideas. Cuz we have Writer’s Block.

sarah-tuttle-singer-narrates-you-waze-directions So the Daily Freier is suffering from Writer’s Block. Bigly. We’ve tried everything, even showing up at a Secret Tel Aviv job fair totally baked, but Jonny saw us and (very politely) asked us to leave. Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, our case of writer’s block. And, yada yada yada, Sarah Tuttle-Singer! You see, while some petitions seek to shut Sarah down, or shut down the people who want to shut her down, or umm… something about her hair style?….our petition wants Sarah to share MORE. We want Sarah to share more than a vegan cross-fit enthusiast who trades Bitcoin. We want Sarah to share more than your friend who wants to tell you all about his/her/preferred pronoun’s latest juice cleanse. Because we are all out of story ideas this week. And even though you people were less than helpful with our previous petitions trying to reinstate Oren Hazan (again, writer’s block) and trying to get ourselves banned from Israel’s school curriculum (really!), we hold out hope that you, our reading public will do us a solid.

Do it for us. Do it for her Arab cab driver who listens to Carlebach. Do it for the vegan Chabadnik who never lets her win at Shesh-Besh. Do it for the totally chill lesbian off-the-derech couple who always let her use the bathroom in their makolet when she’s walking home from Crave. Do it for The Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates.

So please send the following message: “Help us Obi Tuttle-Kenobi, you’re our only hope.” And sign the petition here.

(Hugs),

The Daily Freier

Aliyah, Nefesh B' Nefesh June 22, 2018

Nefesh B’Nefesh denies claim that every Olah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah

(left to right: Rachel, Sarah-Rachel, Rachel)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/22/2018 at 3:50 PM

Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.

“This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.”

In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.

“That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?”

“Fake News!” wrote Sara L. on her popular Aliyah Blog “Sara’s Adventures in the Shuk!”

“OMG where did you hear something so silly?” asked Rachel E. from the Jewish Agency’s Public Affairs Department.

“First I’ve heard of this.” stated Rakhel W., the Officer in Charge of the IDF’s Olah hadasha code talker unit.

“This is the sort of propaganda that I would expect to hear in the age of Trump and Bibi.” complained local author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. “Also, you forgot to add Jessica.”

In other news, Nefesh B’Nefesh today also denied allegations that their next citizenship ceremony will be held at “a nice sushi place with a hecshcher.”