Category: Top 10

Aliyah, Top 10, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Top Ten things that will happen before your Appointment at the American Embassy in Jerusalem
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
Mossad, Terrorism, Top 10

Top Ten Surprises in Fauda Season 5

 

Who among us is not beyond excited for the next season of Fauda?  With Season 4 already on the streets, we now have a new excuse to stay home and socially distance from all you weirdos. Yes it is the talk of the town, and now that it’s on Netflix, it also gives you something to talk about with your relatives in Chul! But (SPOILER ALERT!) there are some crazy plot twists coming up in Season 5, and the Daily Freier has the inside scoop! Here are just a few of the twists and turns that the writers and actors have in store for us next season!

1) Doron chases suspect into Dizengoff Center but gets lost and walks around for a 3-episode story arc

2) Hamas suicide bomber thwarted after heroic scooter riders knock him over on the Tel Aviv Tayelet

3) Doron, Sagi, and Captain Ayub buy an old beat-up van and go on stakeout dressed as Nachmanis

4) Weird subplot about a cranky washed-up British rock star from the 1960’s who dislikes most Jews

5) Nurit almost gets killed after she insists on stopping at the Brussels Airport Duty Free

6) Mossad starts using Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone in order to confuse Hezbollah

7) Mossad equally confused by Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone

8) Captain Ayub yells at the Team after they all share the same Netflix password and blow their cover

9) Episode One is just Sagi waiting for an informant to come up the escalator in Yitzhak Navon train station

10) Doron suspended after he forces a prisoner to listen to John Kerry speeches for 48 hours straight

 

Only in Israel, Top 10

Top Ten Worst Israel Tourism Ideas

With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!

1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!

2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!

3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure

4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”

5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!

6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.

7) Afula, Afula, Afula!

8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station

9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.

10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.

Mossad, The Jooz, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons the Irish Embassy Drunk Tweeted at Israel

Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots.  One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.

Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.

1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.

2) Daylight Savings Time

3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off. 

4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.

5) You killed Christ.

6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.

7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.

8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.

9) Leprechauns!

10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.

#ErinGoShtupYourselves

Abu Mazen, Elections 2021, Top 10

Abu Mazen’s Top Ten Excuses for cancelling Elections

1. Doctor Fauci told everyone to stay home.

2. Still heartbroken over the Kim and Kanye breakup.

3. I’m binge-watching Fauda.

4. Peter Beinart keeps sexting me.

5. Climate Change

6. Ahed Tamimi ate all the food at the polling stations.

7. Can I still blame this on Trump?

8. Didn’t want to detract from Pride Week next month.

9. The wild pigs that the Zionists release every night (wait, he really said this).

10. Just trying to help the Daily Freier write a decent joke for once.

Only in Israel, Top 10

Top Ten Sketchy Things your Israeli Tour Guide will say to you



1. She wants to show you her Wilderness of Zin.

2. OK, who wants to go down to the Kishon Gap?

3. They still need to see Warren’s Shaft.

4. This is where Jesus descended on his ass.

5. (really anything with the word “Qumran”)

6. Anyone want to hear the story of how Elijah went to Mount Carmel?

7.  Sorry, but I’m still inside Apollonia.

8. Vespasian had over a hundred catapults, so he could really get his rocks off.

9. We can always take the Spice Route.

10. And that’s how they found the back entrance to Hezekiah’s Tunnel.

Israelis Abroad, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons that Israeli Woman walked into Syria last week
(photo credit: The Facebook)

So this Israeli woman wandered into Syria a while back and Israel apparently traded her freedom for Bamba, some rolling papers, and a matkot paddle the release of two Security prisoners and a large shipment of Russian Corona vaccines. It appears the woman has some issues, so this is a bit sad. But we paid a big price, she probably won’t be punished, and apparently she couldn’t care less. So here goes, the Daily Freier is going to satirize the situation with her Top Ten Excuses:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(1) Sorry, I was using Waze.

(2) I’m still hiding from Hot Mobile because they said I never returned my router after I moved apartments in 2012.

(3) Nefesh B’ Nefesh asked me to join their “Go North!” program.

(4) Was hoping to escape those stupid automated texts asking me who I’m voting for in the election.

(5) I will do just about anything to get out of cleaning for Pesach.

(6) Hey, do you know where they keep the Duty Free?

(7) Was looking for “the best hummus place”.

(8) Wait, this isn’t Ra’anana?

(9) Syria still has better Corona numbers than Beitar Ilit.

(10) Someone said they were more relaxed about the Purim curfew there.

Kerem House, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons why Kerem House moved

Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!

1) We received a message from HaShem.

2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.

3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.

4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.

5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.

6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.

7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.

8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.

9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.

10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.

Israeli Politics, Top 10

Top ten reasons the Porcupine walked into Knesset bathroom

The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.

1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.

2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.

3.  Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.

4.  I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.

5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.

6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.

7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.

8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.

9. Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.

10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.

Corona Virus, Top 10

Daily Freier’s Top Ten Corona Fears

1.  What if we run out of Biltong?

2. Are they going to close Trump Yeshiva?

3. Do you think someone is Quarantined with Ariel Gold?

4. If everyone’s in Lockdown, who gets to pee in Kikar Atarim?

5. Will this delay next months Elections?

6. What if Kerem House turns all of this into some kind of weird-ass online event?

7. The people still lost in Dizengoff Center: are they maintaining 2 meters distance from one another?

8. Will the Corona Crisis distract Health Minister Litzman from the important work of blocking the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia?

9. What if Sarah Tuttle-Singer is using this time to write another book?

10. Has anyone told the American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years?